You know one of them days that just tips you over the edge. Well today has been that day.
I have had another good scan result since I last posted, my July scan showed no sign of disease again. But it almost doesn’t change anything. This is my shit show of a life now.
My mam is having a really hard time with her chemo. So far apart from when she was first diagnosed, I have been able to have some sense of control about my mams treatment. Probably because I know what she is going through and know how she feels. Also because her first type of chemo didn’t really give her any side effects at all so she was lucky that apart from her hair and not working, we could plod along and she was still living a relatively normal life. After her first dose of the new chemo she has been in bed for 13 days.
I know this might sound dramatic but I think I have in a way started mourning my mam these last few days. I feel lost without the normal her. I feel like I can see her fading and I don’t want that for her. I know it’s happened to me because I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. I really don’t want that to happen to her. I know it will change her but I just want it to be a bump in the road for her. Not a fucking sink hole like my situation has become.
We have a holiday planed in a couple of weeks, my mams treatment has been cancelled this week because she isn’t well enough. As a family we really need this holiday. It might be our last one all together. We need to just been living our lives and the thought of her not being there is awful. We need a break.
There are loads of things, (which I mentioned in my last post) that I have been keeping a list of when i think about them. One is the loneliness and worthless feeling I constantly have. I spend a lot of time by myself, which i actually never used to mind, I used to like spending time by myself. But I mean a lot of time. Like three full days off the week I spend alone. Either in bed asleep or pottering round the house trying to preserve my energy. Worthless because I haven’t been to work for about 4 month. I am a good mam I know that but there is nothing more.
I have been quite paranoid lately too. Thinking that people look at me and think I am fine. Think that I look like I have energy, I’m happy and everything is fine. Every single day is a struggle for me. Day 5 after treatment when my body feels ok*, my mind is still cloudy. I feel like I have constant brain fog. I don’t have the physical or mental energy for anything productive.
Feels ok* – this is what I think I have been struggling with most in the last few months. Since positive results in April it’s like I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that I am never ever going to be ok. I am never going to be the same. And I am constantly mourning what I was like and what I should or could be doing now. Mourning my unborn second child. When Mabel said ‘me a sister’ the other day and I had to run to the toilet and cry. My mental health is absolutely crushed.
I’m going to leave it there for today.
X
Love you always 