but not care free.
Wrote 26.06.23
I have been putting this off for two month. I wrote that sentence down in my notes the day i got my last results because thats exactly how i felt. Since then i have continued to make notes but not actually fully elaborated on how i am feeling.
When i got my results that my scan showed ‘no current sign of disease’ I wasn’t as elated as some might have thought i would have been. It is absolutely terrifying. The first thing i thought is, don’t you dare take me off this chemo. Which is mental because obviously to people watching on, that’s what’s making my life so difficult at the moment. When actually that isn’t the case, it’s still the cancer that’s making me feel shit, its still cancers fault, the chemo is the life saver that’s trying to save my life. I have a huge love/hate relationship with my chemo. So i was actually quite thankful when he said we would carry on as we are for another three month. That’s when i felt the relief and a bit of hope.
Then it comes to telling people good news. When I’ve had bad news I’m always really quick to tell everyone, even social media. I suppose that’s been every time I’ve had news since diagnosis so when i got good news i found it really had to tell people. In fact i haven’t put my good news on social media, so it’s just those close to me that know. I am scared of people thinking that that’s me fixed and not understanding why i am still having chemo. I don’t want to have to explain that to anyone, and suppose i don’t need to.
Love you always 