Well four posts in 5 months is quite shite.
I think i am going to start sharing them with people because i think that might make me write a bit more openly and as if i am actually talking to someone.
I read Kris Hallenga’s blog, the founder of Coppafeel and it really helps me. She’s actually on the same chemo as me at the minute.
So here goes. At the minute i feel very empty. I am going to list the thoughts i have been having recently and then maybe elaborate:
- I am soon going to look like a potato again, eyebrows and eyelashes are going fast.
- This feeling of the end not being in sight gives me anxiety constantly, whatever that end may be.
- People asking ‘how long are on this treatment’ pisses me off.
- Work, not going to work, therefore money is stressing me out.
- I keep getting moments of fuck it lets make loads of plans and live life, but then realisation that i have ZERO energy the majority of the time.
- I am also creeping into being angry at people for not ‘getting it’ or understanding so maybe that’s a good reason to share this,
I think I’ve just realised that i am lonely, cancer is lonely. I don’t want to feel pissed off, stressed, worried, angry or guilty. Guilt is also a huge one at the moment, especially with Mabel. I suppose that all the above things are justified and i am ok to feel like this, it’s just where i am right now. But i am conscious that i need to move away from all these feelings and try to make this my normal, because it isn’t going to change any time soon.
I will acknowledge the good news that i got in January 15mm-5mm! So i am manifesting and positive that this new treatment is all fucking worth it. Hopefully Chandran will plan another scan start of April.
Things i need to plan and look forward to:
- Making our house a home (Mabel’s room looks adorable)
- Spa with Mam, xmas present
- Dinner with Dad, also xmas present
- Book holiday for mams 60th
- Visit Charlotte and Rosabelle
- Visit Jan and Indy (born yesterday!!!)
- Organise something proper for my cancerversary
- Shania with the soulmates
- Planning Ginas hen
- Happy mems with my two favourites
I am going to go and get some fresh air and clear my head a bit. Then probably sleep this afternoon. Just got phone call to say bloods are fine and chemo tomorrow at 9:00 🙂 we go again.
Loves
Love you always 