Hello 2023
Hell what a lot has happened since my last post:
- Infected chest port – removed
- Failed start to chemo – veins officially fucked
- Arm port fitted – she’s called Lou
- Treatment (Trodelvy) finally started
- Head shave done
In fact last night was the head shave. So its quite raw. I look like a cancer patient again. I wasnt that upset to be honest. Firstly I was bothered about what Mabel’s reaction would be. Last time she was only 9 month old and she didn’t react at all, she didn’t try to pull off my head scarfs. This time i was really nervous that she would cry o look at me differently. At first she didn’t even react at all, she looked at me slightly as if she has noticed but that was it. This morning she was touching my head but she could not give a shit, real love right there!
Jonathon come home from work and was really upset, he knew we were shaving it off and he just cries out of pure anger and frustration, saying how unfair it is. Which i do completely agree with but i think i allow myself to process things more slowly and thoroughly than what he does. I come to terms with the possibility of me shaving my head again back when we discussed new treatment.
It is going to be hard adjusting to what i look like, the head scarves again, hopefully a wig this time. Loosing a sense of femininity that i had just got back, because actually last time i shaved my head i still ha my boobs. So even though i had lost my hair my body was still the same. I am still struggling with my body and feeling feminine so that fact i now have no hair also is going to be difficult. For me and for Jont. It’s something we need to keep working on.
What is going to be the hardest thing is people treating me differently, looking like a cancer patient. And that absolutely shit, that’s the bit that’s not fair.
Let’s move.
My mental health on the whole, is not great at the minute. I need to talk more to everyone. Vocalise how I’m feeling in the moment. Say “I’m ok” less and do more that makes me happy.
Update soon with things that make me happy…. I need to go for Mabes.
Love you always 