I have come to the conclusion i am not going to get time to write very much so these posts are probably going to be short and sweet.
The other night we were lying in bed and i said ‘todays been hard’ and Jont said ‘I feel trapped. It’s like a continuous pile of shit’ and my heard actually broke. I don’t know how we manage to keep each other positive, i think we just follow one another’s lead, so if he is in a good mood i try and pick myself up and if he is in a shit mood i try and be positive, visa versa.
We went to see Dr Chandran yesterday to talk about my new treatment, he went through all the side effects, how often i would get treatment, any pre-meds and so on. All i can really remember from the appointment is that the staff at the Cancer Centre refer to me as ‘Kerry with the gold hoops’
I do struggle to let people know exactly how i am feeling. I feel frustrated that if i started complaining or moping about then people would become really worried. It’s like i have to keep up this positive attitude for everyone else, not just myself. But at the same time I don’t know how to complain, the only person i tell how i truly feel is Jonathon, the rest of time i feel like I’m putting on a little bit of a front. I know this isn’t good but surely that’s what everyone does…
I keep going over the statement ‘at least we have our health’ in my head. I think i used to think this quite a lot. When something shit happened or was having a particularly bad week i would think ‘at least everyone around me is healthy’ I now find myself going to think that or fall back on that statement and then being like ‘I fucking dont!!!’
It’s like i can’t cope with all the little things in life at the moment because there is nothing to fall back on. There is no reassurance that everything is actually ok.
Kez x
Love you always 