Love you always

Diagnosed 30th April 21

I started writing down how i was feeling when i was diagnosed so here are my thoughts from then…

3rd May : 4 days

Now that I’ve come to write down what I’m thinking i don’t know what to write.

My inner voice has been going crazy. I think I just keep having random thoughts and trying to reason with myself and justify why I might be thinking that or feeling a certain way.

I haven’t properly cried yet. I don’t know if that’s because I’m in survival mode, because it doesn’t feel real and I feel fine or because I’m in complete denial.

All I am bothered about at the moment is, getting Mabel fed enough and that my boobs feel like they are going to explode.

I need to make sure Jont is ok, he is unbelievably amazing and I don’t want him to doubt his capabilities of looking after us.

I am going to be fine.

I love breastfeeding and I can’t imagine not breastfeeding. The fact that it’s being taken away from us is the hardest thing right now. I’ve just sobbed while feeding her.

Watching her on the monitor wanting her to be able to fall asleep by herself because I might not be here in a few weeks, I might be in hospital. But also wanting to go jump in her cot and cuddle her for the third night in a row. Then feeling guilty cause I’m not helping, it’s just selfish.

7 May :

Jont told me this morning how much of a good job I have done getting babs onto a bottle.

He is so encouraging and reassuring but I got so frustrated cause I don’t want to be doing it. I might be doing a good job but deep down I’m paining through it all. I want to be nursing her. She will adapt and she be fine but still, it’s not what I want to be doing. It’s unfair.

Just lying in the bath and looking at my imperfect body wondering what I didn’t used to like about it. I love my body now.

I cried earlier thinking about the last time I will ever feed her. I can’t imagine it yet, but it’s going to have to be soon. It sounds dramatic but i feel like I’m going to have to make something of it. Like do I do it on her chair in the bedroom, do I tell her, as if she will even know.

Tonight is the first night I’m not going to be feeding her through the night. So I’m lying in bed listening to Jont giving her a bottle.

It’s not that I don’t think the bottle is as good as breast or that she isn’t getting as much love or comfort from Jont. I can’t really put my finger on it either tbh, it’s maybe for selfish reasons I’ve just come so used to that time to pause and feel her so close to me and listen to her, to check in with her and make sure she is ok, give her exactly what she needs.

Jont reassured me again earlier when I was upset, he told me she would always need me. Lucky to have him.

9 May :

Had a wobble today. Someone messaged me sending their love. It just totally overwhelmed me and I wasn’t ready for it. And I was actually fine for a bit, then I went to sing wind the bobbin up with Mabel and I burst into tears.

I think I just realised how much harder it’s going to get. I don’t want people to talk behind my back, whisper if I walk in a room or feel all sorry for me. I want everyone to be open, to ask me questions and kinda have as much hope as I have myself. But that’s silly of me to think it’s going to happen.

Mabel is amazing, she’s took 19oz of formula today and we went swimming for the first time and she loved it.

11 May :

I can’t think about the future. And by that I mean a couple of weeks. I have my CT scan on Thursday which will tell us more about my diagnosis and untill then I can’t look forward.

I have my friends hen doo and wedding which I need outfits for and it sounds mental but untill I know my situation I can’t see myself in any certain outfit or a dress. Kinda like I don’t know who I am anymore.

13 May :

Sitting in the waiting room for my CT scan. Feel a bit sick.

It was nothing. Cannula in arm, lie down and dye put through, breathe in and out a few times. Cannula out.

14 May :

Yesterday we had confirmation of what treatment I would be getting and it was an immediate relief knowing that there will be a plan.

I’m still nervous and worried but at least I know it is what it is and in a way I now feel more in control and like I can look forward and see what the next few months will hold. It’s going to be shit and hard and difficult but I can get through it. I know I can.

18 May :

I am thinking of posting my diagnosis on social media, it’s maybe a way of feeling more in control. I’ve been saying that I’m really nervous and scared of people talking behind my back, whispering, looking at me and treating me differently. So posting on social media is kind of a way of me taking control and being like right this is the crack and I’m okay.

It’s almost like I’m contradicting myself though because I’m saying I still want to be treated the same and I don’t want people to see me any different, for people to not feel sorry for me. But then at the same time I’m kind of asking for attention and I’m saying out how awful breast cancer is. Im just a bit confused at the minute so I don’t think it’s a good time to post. Going to wait a few days.

I am absolutely shitting myself about being vulnerable and people knowing.

25 May :

My overwhelming feeling is just impatient and frustrated.

I talked to friends at the weekend and the common thing seems to be it’s baffling how I am now ‘looking forward’ to chemotherapy!?!?

I just want to get started and crack on.

Don’t get me wrong I’m nervous but it needs to happen, and soon.

3 June :

I’m not sure if I’m getting used to talking about it or not. I’m fine when I talk about appointments and chemo but then I worry that I haven’t actually processed it yet. Like I’m talking about someone else, or that I’m talking about something a lot less serious than breast cancer.

I think at some point it is going to hit me.

I’m worried about being in bed.

I’m worried about not being able to look after Mabel.

I think I’m pretending I’m not going to be gutted about loosing my hair.

That’s what people will see, that’s what will make me look poorly. If I didn’t loose my hair I would almost be able to hide the fact I’ve got breast cancer and pretend I’m fine.

If I am bald then it’s a huge slap in the face, I have cancer, there is no hiding it.

But do I want to hide it? Will I get to the point that I am proud of it and be confident.

7 June :

Today has been difficult. I cried with frustration and desperation.

But we did get what we wanted and I start chemo on Thursday.

Going to bed happy but exhausted.

8 June :

Well i’m sitting here at my pre assessment and my resting heart rate is 102. Enough said 😂

7 July :

I’m not sure if it’s a good thing I haven’t wrote anything for a month. I suppose I haven’t felt like I needed to but then I have still been thinking but maybe not worrying.

I shaved my hair a couple of days ago and I feel great.

12th August :

Back again.

Today is my 4th cycle of chemotherapy.

I’m anxious because my drugs have changed. Been told that it’s more hard hitting and that it will accumulate over the next three cycles. So I might not recover as quickly. It just terrifies me that I’m gonna be half version of myself for the next week. Makes me sad for Mabel Ann.

When I arrived today it took 4 times to get my cannula in. I used to be fine with needles and cannulas but the more I get I am starting to feel sick at the thought of them.

00:45 Am

Through the night is so hard. Jont wants/has to get up with Mabel because I’m knackered and have no energy. But I can’t sleep so I’m just lying awake listening and not being able to help. Feeling helpless.

Jonts amazing.

10th September :

I want to feel back to normal.

NOW : 05.10.22

It is now 17 month after my diagnosis. I am not going to go over everything that has happened or happening because people that are going to read this will already know.

I am writing things down mainly for myself i need to start getting things out of my head.

Also, when i am in low moods i find myself wanting to tell Mabel things. Things she might not need to know until she is 12 or 21 but i might not be here to tell her.

Im at work on a free lesson, it’s Friday and I’m finishing for three weeks to get Radiotherapy for the second time. None of my colleagues really know. In a sense coming to work and not thinking about it all the time is nice, just being Mrs Stewart. But at the same time i almost feel like i want to tell people. I am just going to disappear for two weeks, and to be honest because i am cover I’m not sure anyone will really notice.

U think it is the whole thing of people look at me now, compared to last year and they don’t really ask much because they think i am ‘better. Which is far from the truth. I put a post on last week of my hair falling out because i thought it was happening again (i think because i had stopped the immunotherapy) I think it has stopped now thank god, but i found myself feeling guilty that i was misleading people.

Anyhow, speak soon.